


The Ways

by TeaRoses



Category: Paying Guests - Sarah Waters
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2016-12-17
Packaged: 2018-09-09 04:13:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8875510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeaRoses/pseuds/TeaRoses
Summary: Frances believes in some things that are not of this world, whether she wants to or not.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RidiculousMavis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RidiculousMavis/gifts).



It was Chrissy who taught me about the Ways. The Ways of herbs, the Ways of stones, the Ways of the moon. At first I did not understand it at all. I thought it was all some kind of strange superstition, and wondered where exactly Chrissy had learned it. When I asked her, she said "Women teach other women these Ways," and would tell me no more. Then I wondered if it was more of a religion, and though I cannot claim to be much of a believer, I thought that perhaps I should not be listening to her at all. At no time did I think it was all what Chrissy said it was. Such things don't exist, and never will, I thought. And perhaps I would have been better off if I had kept thinking that, but I didn't. Not after Beatrice.

This came after the days when Chrissy and I were trying to be together without the world crashing down on us. We still occasionally attended protests together, along with various of our friends. One day at a protest are friend Beatrice was arrested. She was accused of certain conduct, because she was a woman walking without a man on the street. It of course goes without saying that she did no such thing. She was arrested for protesting, for standing up for women, for doing things the policemen did not like. Beatrice was quiet and unassuming, at least compared to the rest of us, and I would have found the idea of her being arrested on such a charge laughable if I were not so concerned for her welfare. They led her away in handcuffs like a criminal.

"We must help her," I said to Chrissy.

"There are Ways," she replied.

I still did not believe it would help and I almost laughed, but in the end I was more curious than prudent and agreed to watch what Crissy did. It was a complex ritual involving exposing various metals to heat and burning certain herbs. There were no words to be said and certainly no prayers, which made me feel easier about watching and not interrupting, which seemed almost as serious as participating. And after a while I felt... a presence, or perhaps a power, something that I had never felt before. It was like a bond, not with Chrissy, but with something larger that I could not see or touch. I hesitate to call it spiritual, but it would be hard to deny that it was supernatural.

Afterward I told myself that people fancy all sorts of things, that they tell themselves they have feelings and fool themselves into believing they are real. People are taken in by charlatans and schemers, all for their transient feelings. I told myself that until Beatrice came back. She had been standing in the cell, she said, and she thought she heard the lock click open, though no one was there. And she simply walked out, and though people saw her no one stopped her. She thought perhaps the police she saw when she left hadn't seen her when she came in and thought she was a woman there on some other business. But she could not explain the open door.

If the police had simply released her, decided not to charge her, I might have thought nothing of it. But something so very strange, that a lock should open without a key and policemen should let a prisoner walk out onto the street unmolested? It made me wonder if my feelings were true and there had really been a strange presence in the room with us as Chrissy held her heated metal and burned her herbs.

I felt that presence again much later, and it had nothing to do with Chrissy. It was with Lilian. We were lying together, while her husband was off at work. Her head was pillowed on my shoulder as I stroked her hair and then and I felt that power, that bond, with Lilian but with something else as well. I held her close to me and asked "Do you feel it?"

She looked at me, puzzled. "Feel love?" she asked.

It was not love that I meant, but I was not certain I wanted to explain to her what I did mean.

"I feel safe," Lilian said to me. "With you I feel safe. Does that make any sense?"

It was not safety that I meant either but I was glad to hear her words. Despite the fact that all our moments were stolen she felt better with me than with her husband. Sometimes, being only human, I had misgivings. I had tempted a woman away from her lawful marriage, or so people would have told me if they had known. But she felt safe with me, and not with him, and that was enough.

When Lilian began coming down for longer times and we were able to make love in earnest I felt the feeling again many times. Touching her skin, lying with her, brushing my lips over her shoulder. It was a feeling like someone else was watching us, maybe not a person but a power, and that power approved. That really did make me laugh, this idea that there was some great something out there approving of two women in love.

Lilian of course had her own misgivings, and it was hard to talk her out of them. She would tremble, not from passion but from fear. I couldn't imagine being married, going through what Lilian was. But I tried to support her, to protect her, to be better than a husband to her so that she would not regret what happened between us. And I did not speak to her again of the presence I sometimes felt. What we had in this world was difficult enough that I did not need to invoke another.

Then she told me she was pregnant. For a moment I thought she would be lost to me for certain, raising a child with Leonard and pretending to be a good wife... unless it was really with me that she was pretending.

Then she told me she was not going to have the child. 

I did not know what to say at first. It was a drastic step, and something which shocked me greatly. But I could see why making a family with Leonard was out of the question to her, possibly would have been even if she had not met me. She mentioned remedies one could obtain for this result and I immediately began to worry for her. It could not be safe, could it? For now I reassured her that I would stand by her. But the next day I went to Chrissy.

I told Chrissy much more than I had planned to, about Lilian and about my feelings. Chrissy listened patiently. I knew jealousy was not a question for her, at least not anymore, but I still appreciated having someone to tell. Then I mentioned the pregnancy, and finally said out loud "Is there a Way? For this? I worry for her."

She was silent for a moment. "I thought you did not believe in the Ways," she said.

"I may have said that, but that was before Beatrice."

"And before Lilian," said Chrissy. Then she sighed. "There is a Way. Of course there is, how would there not be women passing on something like this to one another. But it will be difficult for you. You will have to sacrifice. I hope she is worth it."

She will have to be, I thought, but I only said "She is."

That night Leonard went out and as I hesitantly, gently, made love with Lilian I wiped sweat from her back with a handkerchief. When Lilian wasn;t looking I placed the handkerchief carefully in a drawer. Tomorrow I would take all the other steps Chrissy had described. I would indeed have to bleed for this, and use the last bit of gold in the house, and burn the herbs Chrissy gave me. But for now I just held her to me.

Was she worth it? I could have been dramatic and said she was worth anything, but I know to much about love to say a ridiculous thing like that. Love is only a feeling and like with all the rest we can both be fooled and fool ourselves. And did Lilian love me, or just love the idea that she could get away from Leonard, that their marriage would not be the rest of her life after all?

She stirred in the bed beside me. "I should go back upstairs," she said in a sleepy voice. She described to me the remedy and when she would take it. And I would let her think it worked, because to tell her about the Ways would be mad. I had stolen away enough of her peace as it was.

I kissed her again and just for a moment I thought I felt that presence, that power, one more time. But I wasn't certain, just as I was uncertain about so much else. I only knew that she was my responsibility now, whether I wanted that or not, and that I had no choice but to bleed for her.


End file.
